Shark in Venice (2008)

Sometimes Marco Polo is the Most Dangerous Game.

In Sharknado 2, Tara Reid and her family were forced to navigate an apocalyptic NYC overrun by airborne sharks.

There was nowhere safe to hide, even mainstays of modern convenience and safety such as taxis and ambulances were places for predators to hunt prey.

Sharknado 2 was a comedy, of course, because it presents multiple scenarios that are completely impossible.

But imagine a movie set in a city where it actually is possible to be attacked by a shark while inside a taxi or an ambulance. This is the terrifying premise of Danny Lerner’s, Shark in Venice

Now, I couldn’t continue without acknowledging that shark attacks are very unlikely occurrences anywhere in the world, including Venice. And while the unique geography of Italy’s canal city does allow for the possibility of being bitten in half while commuting, there have only been three recorded shark attacks in Venice within the last 100 years, so don’t let a fear of fins keep you from visiting.

You know what’s even less likely then being attacked by a shark? Meeting one of the Baldwins.

There are currently four Baldwins active in the world of professional acting. While the globalized nature of today’s film industry means they could be anywhere at anytime, your odds of a random Baldwin encounter are 5.3 billion to one.

Still, that means there is a chance.

Shark in Venice, is a film that asks: What would happen if a Baldwin and a shark were in the same neighborhood, simultaneously?

The Plot: David Franks (Stephen Baldwin) is an Indiana Jones-style archeologist who receives word that his father has disappeared in Venice.

Franks and his girlfriend, Laura (Vanessa Johansson), travel to Italy and discover that the mafia was blackmailing Frank’s dad into searching for treasure that the Knights Templar supposedly hid underwater on their way back from one of the crusades.

While scuba-searching, Frank’s Dad was eaten by a shark. Ironically, this shark was only in Venice because the mafia released it there to discourage rival treasure hunters.

Now the mafia want to blackmail Franks into finishing the job, so they kidnap Laura.

Frank reluctantly dons a wet suit and dives into the filthy canal water. The shark gives chase, but just in time……

sigh,

..........time………oh time,

oh sweet, oh sour, oh temporary time.

I’m going to save a lot of time and let you know the shark kills everyone that gets in the water, everyone except Frank who is a Baldwin and thus invincible.

Frank finds the treasure, rescues Laura and has a final showdown in a boiler room where he beats up 30 people with his fists and a gondola oar before pushing the lead crime boss (Giacomo Gonnella) into a canal to meet poetic justice in fish form.

The biggest problem with this movie is that it doesn’t take full advantage of the perfect location. Because Venice is a great place to set a sea monster movie.

A shark attack in front of Palazzo Dario, the Bridge of Sighs or the Peggy Guggenheim Collection would be such perfect nightmare surrealism that Dalí, Magritte and Fellini would rise from the dead to salute it.

Sadly, most of this movie is takes place indoors. Probably because it was mostly shot in Bulgaria.

In fact, the film was originally named “Shark in Bulgaria”, but couldn’t find a distributor with that title. Danny Lerner’s solution was to retcon tons of Venice stock footage into the final cut.

But to his credit he also filmed some new “Venetian” attacks scenes. I like the one where a shark leaps from the water and grabs a gondolier while he’s right in the middle of ‘O Solo Mio!’ Nobody notices except a lonely old widow watching from a balcony. She responds with a sagely nod, having seen yet another example of life’s unpredictable cruelty.

It was a transformative scene invoking postwar neo-realism. Perhaps a subplot about a stolen bicycle might have helped this movie. Truthfully, it might also have been too much.

With new footage, and a new title, Sharks in Venice, secured a distribution deal, along with prominent slot in the ever-growing catalogue of sharxploitation cinema.

And for the record, if you are attacked by a shark in Venice, the best defense is a selfie-stick. They can be used as a bludgeon, spear or electrocution device. And if the shark prevails, you will go out with the ultimate selfie.

Two gangsters gradually realizing their 30 strongest thugs are no match for a Baldwin. Can you guess which one will be fed to a shark?

The Tea: To get into a Venice mood watch this one wearing a Commedia dell'arte mask and an 18th century powder wig. If that’s too much work, have your own private “Carnevale” with a cup of Apple Strudel Black Tea. It’s so delicious you won’t react to any shark attacks nearby.

The Snack: Blueberry scones shaped like dorsal fins