Cheap Movie Tuesday: Stop! That! Train! (2026)
Even a train can fly if it has a runway.
Last summer there was a really funny remake of The Naked Gun.
It got me hoping for similar projects.
No, not remakes of The Naked Gun 2½ or 33⅓, but other Zucker classics like Top Secret! The Kentucky Fried Movie and especially, Airplane!1
But on further thought, I’m not really sure a remake of Airplane! would make any sense in 2026. Disaster movies are out of fashion and there have been no Airport movies since the 70s.2
So I’m actually quite grateful to screenwriters Christina Friel and Connor Wright who have composed the closest thing possible to a contemporary Airplane! film, a disaster movie set on a high speed train staffed by drag queens.
But I still wasn’t looking forward to watching Stop! That! Train! Not really.
S!T!T! is directed by Adam Shankman. Shankman’s work includes The Wedding Planner, A Walk to Remember, The Pacifier, Rock of Ages, and Disenchanted. He was also a judge on two seasons of “So You Think You Can Dance’. This is a resume full of comedy but nothing actually funny. Shankman is clearly a talented choreographer but that just seemed ominous. I had serious concerns this film might be a stealth adaptation of Starlight Express!
Fortunately, such fears prove to be unfounded.
The Plot: DeeDee (Jujubee) and Tess (Ginger Minj) are two middle aged trainline stewardesses whose employer, Stank Rail, has just gone bankrupt.
This is bad news for the pair, neither of whom has a contingency plan. But when they overhear employees of luxury trainline, Glamazonian Express, complaining about staff shortages, they decide to sneak aboard in bootleg staff uniforms, hoping to become real employees before the final destination is reached.
But things get off on the wrong foot when the train’s Hospitality Lead turns out to be Amber (Brooke Lynn Hytes), a cruel elitist who has publicly ridiculed DeeDee and Tess for decades.
And just when it seems like things couldn’t be any worse, the train receives a warning from Donna Dusk (Rachel Bloom) at the ‘United States Train Command Center’ that the locomotive is heading directly towards a once-in-a-millennium weather catastrophe called “Stormaganza”.
And the train’s brakes have failed
And Conductor Davenport (Chris Parnell) has been stung by a passenger’s emotional support scorpion.
Soon anarchy and bedlam have spread throughout the train, even the yoga car.
The critical situation is brought to the attention of sitting POTUS, Judy Gagwell (RuPaul Charles) who is determined to somehow save everyone aboard the Glamazonian Express despite her own traumatic combat experiences as part of the US Rail Force during the Regan Administration. But how?
How?!?
If you guess DeeDee and Tess become the heroines everyone needs, you won’t be acknowledged. I don’t do spoilers.
But it is tempting to spoil some of the jokes in this film, especially the one about the “gorgeous red-head” and the follow up question whenever someone asks “Tell it to me straight!”.
The performances work. I have never seen Jujubee or Ginger Minj perform elsewhere, but I was convinced that DeeDee and Tess were real people.
RuPaul is fantastic as the commander in chief. Missie Pyle, Natasha Leggaro, Paul Scheer, Charo (!), Lisa Rinna and Sarah Michelle Geller round out a very funny supporting cast.
I don’t want to overhype this movie. It’s is not as good as Airplane! No one has a drinking problem, nothing hits the fan, Julie Hagerty isn’t in it3, there are no girl scout brawls or homicidal golden retrievers.
But there is a nun! And for what it’s worth, I preferred the way nuns figured into this plot than Disclosure Day.
Stop! That! Train! is pretty funny. Much funnier, I suspect4, than Scary Movie. And Adam Shankman does a great job of making the Glamazonian Express feel real and exciting despite the absurdity. We’re not talking Snowpiercer5 here, but we are talking fun. As much fun or more as Night Train to Terror.
And while this was clearly never intended to be a family movie, I was surprised at the lack of raunchiness. There are some drug jokes and dick jokes, but less, way less, than what you get in Masters of the Universe6.
That’s not a compliment or a complaint, just an observation, truly.
The Tea: Read RuPaul’s 2024 memoir, The House of Hidden Meanings, she spills all the tea there!
The Snack: Edible cosmetics, obviously. I’ve heard good things about Jessica Simpson’s Dessert Lip Gloss.
Long live The Asylum but ‘Airplane 2025’ doesn’t count.
Snakes on a Plane doesn’t count. Starflight: The Plane That Couldn’t Land, probably doesn’t.
How come?
And it will remain a suspicion. I’m not watching Scary Movie unless a paid subscriber requests it.
which, to be fair, they do have the humility to reference
Also, Stop! That! Train! has better costumes than Masters of the Universe.
I MUST WATCH THIS.